Why do I continue to have this ambivalence towards my work? I don't know, I don't know.
Last Saturday a friend was telling me about a certain work prospect related to our field, and I had the sudden urge to drop everything and resign from my job. Mark gave me a random email address and told me to send my CV for a planning-related position, and I had to muster all my strength not to. I don't know why, don't know why.
Am I not satisfied? Am I not learning enough here? Is this boring me? I don't know, don't know.
Maybe it's this great big stormcloud of regret hanging over me. Things I could have done, things I wanted to do, what I could have accomplished had it not been for my current work. Promises broken, excuses made, a little dream I started to realize and suddenly gave up. And now I feel miserable one moment, accepting and docile the next. I know I should be happy with the decisions I've made. There are lessons to be learned, after all. But why does this nagging feeling persist? I'm starting to feel like a broken record, really. But I just can't shake it off. Why? Why??
Oh, you know the answer.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
NOTHING LIKE IT YET
I did it. Finally!
I climbed a mountain. Mt Gulugod Baboy in Anilao, to be exact.
This is a milestone , people. My theory about my parents is in shambles right now, but hey, better that than not being able to have this:
More kwento later. Right now I'm just savoring the hangover.
Friday, June 02, 2006
WHAT PAULA COLE SANG
Once in a while I get this feeling of restlessness. It's as though I want to run, to sprint away and just go. There's a pressure inside me waiting, just waiting.
I just learned that my old friend in the States is quitting her job and moving hundreds of miles to start a new life. Not that she's unhappy with what she has; on the contrary, I think she couldn't be happier right now. But she just felt she had to do it, to uproot herself and find a new place, to take on this adventure and give new and greater meaning to her life.
Naiinggit ako. Why couldn't I do that? Granted, she lives in a land where independence is widely encouraged, even forced. Her parents probably gave her the blessing to do whatever she wants to do. Mine, on the other hand, are determined to keep me strapped to the inside wall of our house, like a painting on display that they can examine whenever they felt the urge, and ignore when they're busy looking at a lamp near the couch. Ouf. No, they're not that bad. But it's not a very encouraging atmosphere either.
All my life I've sat, a good little pupil with her hands on her lap and her eyes looking straight ahead. The few times I've tried to break away ended in disaster, with me in the losing end of course. Recently though, I was "granted" some degree of freedom. I managed to cross a sea without them, on a non-school or -work related trip. And if I insist on going to Sagada, they'd probably allow me -- as long they have a copy of my complete and detailed itinerary, and with a semi-interrogation when I get back.
But to let me go? To send me off to a place with no certainty of transportation, food or lodging? To allow me to just be free and find my own way? No. In their hearts, probably never.
My brother is lucky he's now living in Cebu. Cebu! So far away! What a wonderful place to be in. Two nights ago he lost his celphone downtown. One on hand it's such a tragedy because there was so much more in that phone than mere contacts and text messages. There were ideas and concepts and various streaks of brilliance. On the other hand, it was probably cathartic. Now he has to start from scratch, quite literally. A totally new lease on life.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck here, with two celphones but no time, no money to spare and no one to go anywhere farther than QC with. I watch Travel and Living and dream of Italy. I book flights to places I won't go to and plan trips that never happen. Bleah.
But everyone says to wait. I've got a whole life ahead of me. Ok fine. But time is running so fast, you know? At least for me. Pretty soon I'll be 25, then 27, then 30, then no longer fit enough to climb a mountain or jump from a cliff. I just wish...haay, never mind.
I swear someday I'm gonna have my cake and eat it, too. But therein lies the problem. I want my cake now.
Aaaauuugghhhh.
I just learned that my old friend in the States is quitting her job and moving hundreds of miles to start a new life. Not that she's unhappy with what she has; on the contrary, I think she couldn't be happier right now. But she just felt she had to do it, to uproot herself and find a new place, to take on this adventure and give new and greater meaning to her life.
Naiinggit ako. Why couldn't I do that? Granted, she lives in a land where independence is widely encouraged, even forced. Her parents probably gave her the blessing to do whatever she wants to do. Mine, on the other hand, are determined to keep me strapped to the inside wall of our house, like a painting on display that they can examine whenever they felt the urge, and ignore when they're busy looking at a lamp near the couch. Ouf. No, they're not that bad. But it's not a very encouraging atmosphere either.
All my life I've sat, a good little pupil with her hands on her lap and her eyes looking straight ahead. The few times I've tried to break away ended in disaster, with me in the losing end of course. Recently though, I was "granted" some degree of freedom. I managed to cross a sea without them, on a non-school or -work related trip. And if I insist on going to Sagada, they'd probably allow me -- as long they have a copy of my complete and detailed itinerary, and with a semi-interrogation when I get back.
But to let me go? To send me off to a place with no certainty of transportation, food or lodging? To allow me to just be free and find my own way? No. In their hearts, probably never.
My brother is lucky he's now living in Cebu. Cebu! So far away! What a wonderful place to be in. Two nights ago he lost his celphone downtown. One on hand it's such a tragedy because there was so much more in that phone than mere contacts and text messages. There were ideas and concepts and various streaks of brilliance. On the other hand, it was probably cathartic. Now he has to start from scratch, quite literally. A totally new lease on life.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck here, with two celphones but no time, no money to spare and no one to go anywhere farther than QC with. I watch Travel and Living and dream of Italy. I book flights to places I won't go to and plan trips that never happen. Bleah.
But everyone says to wait. I've got a whole life ahead of me. Ok fine. But time is running so fast, you know? At least for me. Pretty soon I'll be 25, then 27, then 30, then no longer fit enough to climb a mountain or jump from a cliff. I just wish...haay, never mind.
I swear someday I'm gonna have my cake and eat it, too. But therein lies the problem. I want my cake now.
Aaaauuugghhhh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)